Monday, February 13, 2012


Logline: 18 year old is an excellent student, but he is homeless and has to overcome several hardships in order to continue his success in school.

A store seems empty, and there is a tip jar with a few dollars. A young man sneaks in there and slyly steals the money. Walking out, he sees a little boy begging a grocery store for an apple. He gets denied, and the little boy sobs while trying to suppress his stomach. The young man heads to him, and gives him the money. The little boy becomes ecstatic, and jubilantly devours the apple. The young man smiles briefly, and walks down the street. His stomach vigorously groans.

The young man wakes up, and he is drenched with sweat. He looks around, and no one is there. He is all alone lying on the cold lawn of an isolated park. His stomach growls, and the young man tries to recollect himself. He falls back asleep; his head is on a beat down back pack.

The bell rings. The young man scurries to his class, but he is scolded by his teacher. At the same time, his teacher tries to understand the student and tries to sympathize with him. The young man is reluctant, and the teacher gives up on the conversation and hands him his last test. The young man’s peers eagerly await to see his score, but become extremely astonished when they see his A. They show envy, and wonder. The young man secludes himself from them, and tries to listen to his teacher.

The young man receives free lunch, and he exuberantly eats by himself.

The young man logs onto his email account, and receives a peculiar email from Berkeley. He has been admitted, and he leaves the school with an exultant smile.

The young man reaches a laundromat, and sneaks in his dirty clothes as soon as the other customers leave. He waits patiently to retrieve them, and then he rapidly leaves with his half wet clothes.

The park is empty again, and the young man finds a comfortable spot next to a tree. He does his homework for the next few hours. He falls asleep.

It’s been several months, and the boy has awoken in his Berkeley dorm. Someone bangs at his door, and the young man opens. A woman stands speechlessly. She attempts to find forgiveness from the young man -- her son. What she said would be a weekend turned out to be several months. Her absence caused the boy’s eviction from his small home. The boy denies her forgiveness because she does not deserve it, but he shows her appreciation for what she made him go through.

The boy proclaims that the suffering his mother brought on to him encouraged him to succeed and find a better life. He strove and persevered for his own sake.


  1. A very descriptive treatment. I like how you portray his seclusion and his isolation through his limited interaction with others. However, a lot of the story seems to be exposition rather than rising action. If you could just tweak it a little to build up the tension, then you would have a successful concept to work with.

  2. The treatment is detailed and the topic is interesting, however the film doesn't clearly show when or why his mother left him. Little hints throughout the movie should come up about the boy's life to show his past life and why he is homeless. The resolution is solid, but more conflicts should arise to build tension. Also think of way for why the audience should feel emotion for the boy.

  3. The story allows for some good character development, but this could be further pursued by adding more evidence of rising action. Additionally, it seems like the story cuts off a little quickly, as in there doesn't seem to be much of a resolution. You could also play more off of the successful student aspect you refer to in the logline, like perhaps hinting at it a little earlier in the story. Otherwise, muy bueno. =)

  4. Story seems very promising; we see how this teenager attempts to overcome the hardships of being homeless while also being this excellent student. Story line seems through and specific. As previously said, we don't see a clear rise in the tension that arises for this teenager or any conflicts that are placed in his way. Climax seems a little cliche as it ends somewhat fast and is too satisfying. Overall, great idea with good plot line. Just needs a few tweaks in certain areas to make it better.

  5. This story definitely allows for the audience to sympathize with the character. In addition, I like how you revolve the story around one character; it allows more focus and allows the reader to become more attached to this character. As people stated before, the rising action needs more development. Perhaps mention the mother and this man's familial issues earlier. But other than that, i think this will be successful.

  6. I liked the concept, and it seems interesting. I think there are a few areas of work. I enjoyed the rising action and the little characteristics that portray your character as hard working. There are some lapses in realism. I think a good scene to establish would be the kid at a homeless shelter. Maybe he has friends at school that help propel the plot forward. I like the climax/ending, but I think it needs a little more work for a smoother transition somehow. Otherwise, I like the concept.

  7. I agree with Luke. I like the concept and how the story revolves around one character, allowing the audience to connect and feel sympathetic toward him. I think that there should be more development in the rising action, especially with why his mom decided to see him and how she knew that he was in college and why she left him in the first place, other than that, i like the treatment

  8. I like the story and, like Luke said, how it revolves around one character. I think there is lots of potential to characterize the character. I'd like to see it shown both directly and indirectly. I want to learn about the character in multiple ways. The treatment is nice and descriptive, but I'd like to know some background on the relationship between him and his mom and what his motivation is for success. I'm looking forward to being able to sympathize with this character.